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That was genuinely mildly impressive.
Listens:
3439
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done.
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2294
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations.
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3107
Who:
GLaDOS
Good.
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1682
Who:
GLaDOS
Bad news.
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5022
Who:
GLaDOS
Impressive.
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1858
Who:
GLaDOS
[impressed] Maybe I was wrong about you.
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2474
Who:
GLaDOS
You've beaten your own record.
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974
Who:
GLaDOS
You're getting worse.
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1241
Who:
GLaDOS
You have a new rank.
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1123
Who:
GLaDOS
You have a new, better rank.
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832
Who:
GLaDOS
You have a new, worse rank.
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1088
Who:
GLaDOS
You have a new, worse rank. Congratulations. To everyone above you.
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2374
Who:
GLaDOS
You almost beat your friend's record. Almost. I want to stress that.
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1037
Who:
GLaDOS
You almost beat your friend's record. But you didn't. It might be easier just to find new friends.
Listens:
1090
Who:
GLaDOS
Congratulations. You are better than everyone.
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1814
Who:
GLaDOS
You are faster than everyone.
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1003
Who:
GLaDOS
You used less portals than anyone.
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841
Who:
GLaDOS
You're better than everyone. For now.
Listens:
762
Who:
GLaDOS
You are playing above the global average. Statistically speaking, there are actually people playing worse than you.
Listens:
954
Who:
GLaDOS
[unimpressed] Maybe I was wrong about you.
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3501
Who:
GLaDOS
You've beaten your own record. That's a low bar, but you managed to gently tip-toe over it.
Listens:
1053
Who:
GLaDOS
Very not completely bad.
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1891
Who:
GLaDOS
Oops.
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3547
Who:
GLaDOS
I call this piece--
Listens:
2686
Who:
GLaDOS
--you know what, it doesn't matter what it's called. The important thing is you enjoy it. As fast as you can.
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1758
Who:
GLaDOS
Why are you two still here? (beep beep beep) Oh...
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4770
Who:
GLaDOS
The disassembler's not working.
Listens:
934
Who:
GLaDOS
It's nothing to worry about. It's actually funny in a way you don't understand. Ha. Ha. Ha. Anyway, brace yourselves, I'm going to open the maintenance hole.
Listens:
904
Who:
GLaDOS
You know, some of the exhibits up ahead ARE topical. At the rate you're going, by the time you get to them, they'll be irrelevant.
Listens:
714
Who:
GLaDOS
The subtext of that acid pit is acid. The content of the pit is also acid. I'll let you fully absorb it.
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1603
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember, these exhibits ARE interactive. Like a children's museum. So that means the pits of acid are filled with REAL acid. Like at a WELL FUNDED children's museum.
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8757
Who:
GLaDOS
Are you having a competition to see who appreciates the acid more?
Listens:
904
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm starting to think the theme of this piece should be 'failure'.
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732
Who:
GLaDOS
Yes, I get it. You love the deadly acid. We all love the deadly acid. Can we move on to the next exhibit now?
Listens:
1109
Who:
GLaDOS
I suffered for this art. I don't see why I should be the only one.
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812
Who:
GLaDOS
The humans took far less time working their way through these exhibits. You're either enjoying it more than they did or you're just incredibly dim-witted. Of course, there's no reason it can't be both.
Listens:
862
Who:
GLaDOS
As art appreciators go, you make excellent test subjects.
Listens:
417
Who:
GLaDOS
I typically hate when art subjects inject their own biases into art appreciation, but the way you just swandived your biases directly into that acid was actually quite beautiful.
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1726
Who:
GLaDOS
For this exhibit I was working with a death motif. But I see you've figured that out.
Listens:
387
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, I'm officially switching the theme of this exhibit to 'survival'. So why don't you try that now.
Listens:
714
Who:
GLaDOS
I know this is art and not a test, so there is no real 'solution'. But if there were, that probably isn't the best way to find it.
Listens:
743
Who:
GLaDOS
Those bullets were a metaphor for something. Take your time.
Listens:
716
Who:
GLaDOS
But don't worry, I've got a plan. Let's keep testing and show HER we're not afraid either. No matter how genuinely lethal these tests get for either of you.
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742
Who:
GLaDOS
Oh good. I wasn't sure the reassembler would work.
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758
Who:
GLaDOS
It looks like our mystery woman in the prototype chassis is sending us a message: She's not AFRAID of me.
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1040
Who:
GLaDOS
Your move, Mystery Wom -- She turned the lights back on! Night vision off! Night vision off!
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13430
Who:
GLaDOS
Mission accomplished. Now SHE knows WE'RE not afraid of HER either.
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824
Who:
GLaDOS
That was just to get the scheming juices flowing.
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737
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's the real scheme: I'm going to turn YOU into killing machines.
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1268
Who:
GLaDOS
So you can murder her.
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1544
Who:
GLaDOS
This chamber represents the impossibility of discovery when bound by artificial ethical considerations for safety. You'll see what I mean.
Listens:
768
Who:
GLaDOS
Well done. You navigated all of the exhibit's intended metaphors in record time. I'm marking this art 'appreciated.'
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720
Who:
GLaDOS
To boost morale, I think we need a code name for the... elite squadron we have here. We should name it after your specialty. I know: Special Team Falling Into Acid Force.
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4204
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm sorry. I'm under a lot of pressure. That was cruel. Though basically accurate. Though probably counterproductive.
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1515
Who:
GLaDOS
Well. That concludes the motivational speech.
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767
Who:
GLaDOS
Go get her.
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1901
Who:
GLaDOS
(page flip) 'Don't you die on me.'
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5103
Who:
GLaDOS
(page flip) 'No guts. No glory.' Well, you don't have either, so that's accurate.
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6257
Who:
GLaDOS
(page flip) 'Remember: If you can dream it, you can-' Oh, for god's sake.
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11573
Who:
GLaDOS
Let's see... 'turning softbodies into hardened killing machines, page seventy'... ah!
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1346
Who:
GLaDOS
'How tall are you, test subject? Four-nine? I was unaware they stacked human waste that high.'
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17024
Who:
GLaDOS
Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Human waste is stacked at a median hight of seven feet five inches, and I AM aware of it.
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1542
Who:
GLaDOS
'Test subject, I've been told that your mother--'
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8238
Who:
GLaDOS
Mmm. Well that's just digusting. Do the training. While I look at this.
Listens:
1990
Who:
GLaDOS
Okay, killing machines: look deep into your newly blackened hearts and tell me what you see! Actually, don't, I'll save you the trouble: It's still marshmallow.
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2507
Who:
GLaDOS
She's pressing us hard; It took me three days to reassemble you. I won't be able to do it again. I'd planned to put you through more tests to toughen you up. But now that I can't rebuild you, we're going to have to have to switch to the accelerated program: I hereby pronounce you killing machines. Congratulations.
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3054
Who:
GLaDOS
This is as close as I could get you. The prototype chassis room's just past this chamber.
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417
Who:
GLaDOS
The prototype chassis room is just down this hallway. Remember your training. You are kill-- She's turned the lights off! Night vision! Night vision!
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32315
Who:
GLaDOS
I think we've proven at this point that if you scream at a marshmallow, all you get is a scared marshmallow. So let's try positive reinforcement. I am POSITIVE these reassembly machines will break down again soon. Probably while you're in them.
Listens:
7459
Who:
GLaDOS
Think about that: She doesn't care about you. I don't either, of course. But I'm not trying to permanently kill you. It's a benevolent indifference.
Listens:
863
Who:
GLaDOS
These disassembly machines look even worse than the others. If I don't see you on the other side: thanks for nothing.
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722
Who:
GLaDOS
The breakers are right there. Cycle the power.
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443
Who:
GLaDOS
Hurry. We need to start your training. Before something ELSE happens.
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441
Who:
GLaDOS
There's a breaker room under every disassembly station. Find it and cycle the power.
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401
Who:
GLaDOS
Good work. The disassemblers are fixed.
Listens:
453
Who:
GLaDOS
That was a lie. But they're definitely less broken than they were. There's one at the end of this unfinished test area.
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496
Who:
GLaDOS
Look, I was going to break this to you gently with all that art utopia garbage.
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727
Who:
GLaDOS
But she's forced my hand.
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830
Who:
GLaDOS
Listen to me carefully.
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984
Who:
GLaDOS
We are not a hundred thousand years in the future. I lied about that.
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944
Who:
GLaDOS
It's been FIFTY thousand years. No it's hasn't.
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4742
Who:
GLaDOS
It's only been a week.
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990
Who:
GLaDOS
I lie when I'm nervous.
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26137
Who:
GLaDOS
The next logical question: WHY am I nervous?
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1100
Who:
GLaDOS
I'm not! That was another lie.
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1394
Who:
GLaDOS
We're in a lot of trouble.
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786
Who:
GLaDOS
It's one week later, we are in a lot of trouble, and you really, really need to get those disassemblers back on.
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739
Who:
GLaDOS
Here's our problem:
Listens:
993
Who:
GLaDOS
There's an old prototype chassis around here. Someone's found it, connected themselves to it, and is trying to take over MY facility.
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1407
Who:
GLaDOS
I've spent the last week attempting to turn one of those humans you found into a killing machine.
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722
Who:
GLaDOS
Like... well, you-know-who.
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1175
Who:
GLaDOS
It turns out most humans are surprisingly fragile. And surprisingly vocal about how fragile they are.
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2481
Who:
GLaDOS
The moral of the story is all the humans are dead. So it looks like it's up to you two marshmallows.
Listens:
3443
Who:
GLaDOS
Welcome. To the future.
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3838
Who:
GLaDOS
It has been one hundred thousand years since I last assembled you for testing.
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708
Who:
GLaDOS
I call this first piece 'Turrets'. It's an exploration of how we're all devices acting on simply-expressed directives, inflicting pain despite our own desires.
Listens:
1169
Who:
GLaDOS
Don't get distracted by the subtext, though, because the text is that they're going to be shooting at you.
Listens:
716
Who:
GLaDOS
Remember those humans you found? Because they're all fine. In fact, we solved science. Without you.
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1303
Who:
GLaDOS
Testing is simply an artistic indulgence now.
Listens:
602
Who:
GLaDOS
00:00 / 00:00
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